I am struggling. Not like, woke up on the wrong side of bed struggling, but like, mental break down crying uncontrollably, feeling exhausted, struggling. I feel it in my bones, my soul, the core of my existence. Dramatic? Absolutely, but I have never felt this type of burn out.
Here are my symptoms:
1. Not sleeping. I'm lucky if I can fall asleep before 2 am. I've tried all the remedies (no need to mention them) and it's still a struggle. The nights I do crash, I sleep for a few hours and then I'm wide awake in the middle of the night.
2. I have no appetite or I want to eat everything. The swing in my appetite is atrocious. I have moments where I want to eat everything in the fridge, pantry and still get Uber Eats. There are days where I have to make a note if I ate or not, because I genuinely have no recollection. FYI, coffee, apparently does not count as a meal.
3. Irritable. Whew. I'd say I've been bitchy, but it's more than that. Have you ever play the video game Grand Theft Auto? Yeah. Okay. I'm the one in the car that burns a town down.
4. Happy/Sad. I'm not sad, per say, but I'm not joyful all day either. I have joy, I have love, and I have happiness, but I still feel a tremendous amount of sadness. I think its a collective concept of mourning. So much has changed, so much will change, and so many of the things that were a routine and normal life, now seem like a distant memory. I forgot what it was like to not have masks in a glove box, or carrying two bottles of hand sanitizer in my purse.
Is this your story as well? I've been talking to so many friends, of different backgrounds, and ages, and the story is similar: we all feel like we are treading really deep water. No floaties for support --- no lifeguard on duty - just do or die to survive.
I've felt burn out --- it's why I started Self-Care Senorita --- but this is a different burn out. It's the burn out felt from a year and a half of living in chaos with the pandemic, navigating support services for my son, taking care of sick family members, losing a job, starting a business, changing careers, trying to make a business work, oh, and trying to still find time to work out, sleep, cook healthy food for my family, see friends, and make time for myself.
We are now a year and a half into this pandemic --- and I'm sitting here waiting for the shoe to drop, again. It feels like a ticking time bomb. I am over working in the fear, that we will close down again and I may be out of a job. I'm trying to socialize and see friends, because I haven't seen them in a year and I'm also afraid I won't be able to see them again any time soon. Should I start buying extra supplies in case of a shut down again? With all those thoughts, that led me to more thoughts like, well what would I do differently now then when we first went on lock down?
I don't have the answers, or remotely know where to start with what the next steps should be. I haven't blogged as much, or really promoted my business because it feels like a shame. I'm not practicing self-care in the way that I need to because, well, life. It's hard and even with all my tips and tricks and things I know I need to do, I still sometimes can't get it together. I've been super hard on myself for that -- and even though I give grace to so many, I find it most difficult to give it to myself.
But today is a Monday, in mid-August and it's about to be back to school season, and maybe because I worked in education for so long, it feels like a new year for me too, so I pulled myself up, and I'm getting myself back on track. How do you get yourself back in the saddle? Being productive? I'd love to hear -- so you can comment below.
I'll be sure to let you all in on how things are going, once I feel like I have it together again, or not together, either way, I always feel like transparency is important.