Twenty-Four hours ago my head was in my hands as I was sobbing and crying, body shaking and all the worry anxiety, and panic that I felt was at a level that I felt was more than I could handle. My hands were wet with tears, my face cramping from the incessant crying. My mother came over and held me and she said being a single mom is so hard. I felt her love and I felt her tenderness as all the anxiety and fear I had started to fade, slowly. I felt at ease because I knew her words were true. She is a single mom to me, and to have someone like me understood what I was going through made me feel understood. She understood the fear and trepidation I have navigating the waters of parenthood. She sees and feels the exhaustion, and she has felt the same sense of worry in the endless stream of what if‘s and I can’ts.
All of the anxiety of yesterday still lays heavy on my heart today. I currently lay in my bed nestled in as my sweet babe sleeps in the next room over soundly with his best friend Tiger protecting him. Seeing the two of them together is so pure and angelic. The love that Tiger gives to his boy is loyal and true. Maybe you’re like me and at midnight you lay awake thinking of all the things that have gone wrong during the day, making a checklist of the things that still need to be done and weren’t accomplished. Or maybe you lay in bed waiting, and longing for something, or maybe someone? As I lay in my bed, I see this beautiful bright moon round and radiant, and it feels as though at any moment it’s going to come through the window and rest on the ceiling of my room. The moon has so many healing properties. How wonderful that God gave us a gift every single month of a sense of renewed sense of new beginnings. This powerful orb in the night sky provides light in the darkness that gives a sense of calm a sense of awe it’s truly amazing.
If you suffer from anxiety, or depression, or worry —- just know you aren’t alone and you aren’t strange or broken. If you’re a single mom, I see you — and the weight of the world you hold on your shoulders. If you’re a caregiver and worn down, there will be a reprieve, and the guilt you feel for wanting to reclaim your time is valid. If you feel tired, worn, hopeless, just know, like the moon a new cycle of possibilities is opening up for you.
Maybe this midnight musing is meant to be a sense of relaxation at the re-creation of a new month, of a new day, a new moon. I take the energy that the moon is giving a harness its power to cleanse, create, revive, and rebirth every single month. While I mark off the things that I haven’t accomplished, I know, just like the new moon, I have a new month to achieve my goals, to get things done, and to get a hold of the anxiety that takes over me at times.